Living In Shadows

Do all relationships come with a sprinkling of the past? When I read IndiBlogger's latest Soch Lo contest topic I just said…

“Hell yes they do!”

I speak from experience-experiences that I wish no girl should have. Letting go of the past is wishful thinking on my part. It’s scarred me, molded me & made me into who I am now. As a rule I don’t regret what I have done, I never indulge in day dreams of what-if’s. Yet when you see a part of yourself lost somewhere in the ‘past’ never to surface again, it does feel bad.

Love-all through my teenage years I’d been considering it as a haloed word, complete with my Prince Charming on a white horse (you can snigger, but every gal has at least thought so once in her lifetime). I did find my so-called prince (not on the horse thank you) only to have my 1st encounter with the harsh reality when I was just 15(roll your eyes I’m not looking). That’s when I discovered a new 4-letter word that somehow attached itself to ‘love’…lust. The halo was crushed as a new ring of lusty darkness surrounded the word love.

I thought I could never love again. And that broke me, the rejection, the sneers I got for backing away from the fatal combination of love & lust, gave the flippant trait to my nature. I mocked at love just as it had at me. In a way it was good, I was no longer the shy & reserved gal. I looked men in their eye. But all this at the cost of my dreams?

Love didn’t leave me alone though. Maybe the revenge wasn’t complete yet. This time the issue that murdered my dreams was-commitment. I refrained from treating anyone as a living diary for myself. I refused to be used as an alter ego for them, someone they spoke to but never really conversed with. It made me scared to offer any more of myself to the other person, a wall built up that kept me safe within. I’m not a sounding board, I needed an assurance, a promise that they would be there for me. It never came.

What came was far worse. I used the ‘to forget one, have another’ stupid theory to get more into this tangled web. By this time love had lost all meaning. It was a case of survival now. How to survive another relationship, another break up. I didn’t delve into the past; it just stayed there bidding its time to alter my reactions & manifested itself in my nature.

So I can firmly say that past does come along as an unbidden guest into any relation. You can’t stop it, because you won’t know it’s there till it’s too late. It’s like this shadow with no real entity of its own, but like a catalyst it has the power to make or break a relation.

Past stays, it’s how you face it that matters.


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